"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3
For as long as I can remember my mom and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. Sometimes it would be good, sometimes it would be bad and seldomly it was non-existent. She has gone through a lot of trauma in her life which turned into a vicious cycle of addiction and mental health issues. She'd have good years and bad years and I'd always admire her come-back. She seemed to always be able to bounce right back from wherever she was no matter how dark it got. These past 5 years are what I would call the darkest years of her life. Her mental health issues have drastically affected her life in all areas and she has been lost for a very long time, longer than ever before. She is blinded by her addiction, and can't seem to pick herself back up as easily as before. My whole family besides my aunt, my brother, and myself have given up on her, they've lost hope. They don't think she is going to come back this time, and I think my aunt and brother are on their last straw with her too. They keep telling me her burden is not mine to carry, and that I need to let go and let God. I have always been a stubborn person, especially when it comes to giving up. I find myself repeating, "she's my mom, I can't just give up on her," or "she needs me."
A huge part of me carries this enormous amount of hope inside of my heart, that one day she will get better, and that God will heal all her open wounds she carries so deep within. I guess it's because I believe with all my heart that what God did for me, He will do the same for her because He loves her more than I do. I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that, having hope in the only hope humanity has, God Himself. But it becomes a problem when I try to force her to see it or want it. Although trying to unknowingly force my mom to see the light came from such a pure place in my heart, I had to understand that I am not in control, only God is, and I have no power what so ever. Just recently, my mom and I got into a huge argument, which consisted of her telling me how much I have ruined her life etc. She said a lot of hurtful things to me, but the words, "It's YOU! It's YOU who have ruined my life!" Threw salt on an already open wound that I've carried with me since my childhood. Instantly, my heart started to ache. I could feel the pressure in my chest and the tears just well up in my eye's. I was so incredibly hurt, that I lashed back out at her until she hung up.
I'm not going to lie, a part of me felt justified. I felt like yelling back at her and lashing out at her in anger was okay because she hurt me. I added fuel to the fire and in that moment that fire burnt so hot the glaciers would've melted instantly. When the phone hung up, I felt so extremely hurt. I wanted to cry but I was so mad that I couldn't. So many things started racing through my mind such as, "you were unwanted," and "you were a mistake." I felt so incredibly bad that my life, my birth and my being ruined my mothers life. I would never want to ruin anyone's life, especially not the persons life I love the most. I was fueled by anger and couldn't sit down. Although those thoughts pounded through my mind, a part of me still heard and felt the small whispers to my heart. The Holy Spirit was rebuking the lies with the truth, and I knew the truth, but being angry in that moment felt too good, I couldn't bring myself down. I reached out to a dear friend of mine and told them what happened, they reminded me of forgiveness but in that moment it didn't really sink in. I also reached out to my cousin and she reminded me the same thing, forgiveness. So I laid my baby down for a nap, and started looking up things on forgiveness. I was trying to find anything that would Justify me not ever having to forgive my mother again and I noticed myself picking things apart. I so badly never wanted to forgive her ever again because of what she said. She crossed the line, and that was just it. I was prepared to never have to talk to or see my mother ever again after that.
The baby had fell asleep and I was still trying to find scripture about forgiveness. My friend Mike ended up calling me as I was reading, and man am I glad that he did. Mike is familiar with addiction, he knows the ins and outs of the disease and he also holds a lot of knowledge and wisdom. Most of my life I always looked up to him like a "dad figure" so I looked forward to whenever we had that chance to speak. In the beginning of the phone call I found myself ranting and raving out of anger and resentment. I told him I didn't believe I could ever forgive her after what she said to me, and that my hurt is so deep it would take a lifetime to heal. As I am saying this, I get a text message from my mom saying, "Chels, I am sorry for yelling at you...I love you." I was not expecting that. My mom has never been the one to ever admit when she's wrong, let alone apologize. I was shocked! But in that moment it hit me, God did that. I was just ranting and raving angrily to mike about how I would never forgive her and blah blah blah, and that I wouldn't have to forgive her if she never admitted she was wrong and asked for forgiveness. But than I got that text... I wanted to be mad about it, like she has the audacity to say sorry? Really! After what she's done! Mike told me not to respond back, and I agreed because I would've responded in anger. Eventually we got off the phone and I was calm at this point. I decided to respond back and I told her that I forgive her and that what she said to me really hurt me and that all I've ever wanted her to do was heal.
Twenty minutes had gone by since I sent the message and I honestly didn't think she'd respond. Until my phone started to ring and I realized it was her. I was hesitant to answer it at first, it triggered me and I expected her to start yelling again, but I answered. She was crying on the phone telling me how sorry she was for treating me that way, and that she loves me but she's just so broken inside and can't get out of it. I couldn't help but to feel compassion in my heart for her, I understood every word she said because I've been there too. We talked and cried for a bit until we both had to go. I thought that me forgiving her and having that conversation with her would've taken away that wound she left, but it didn't. My chest still hurts, my heart still hurts, even now as I am writing this post I can feel the throbbing and pulsating coming from the wound. Those words seriously wounded me. I feel as if my heart has just been slashed in half by a Samurai Sword, and it's bleeding out into my mind and soul. I have been crying on and off again. Trying to ride out all these emotions I have inside. I haven't been able to pray, I haven't been able to read my Bible, I am just so hurt inside and all I can do is cry for release. But I know that God is with me, I can feel His presence comforting me as I go through this experience. And I believe with all my heart that He will heal this wound, and that He will work everything out for the good even if I can't see it yet. He has a purpose and a plan for my life, and He always has since the creation of the world. I am not a mistake, I am not un-loved, or un-wanted. And although my earthly parents have failed me time and time again, my Heavenly Father never will. That is the hope I have in this. He will heal my broken-heart and He will bandage these heavy wounds I carry, it may not be today, but someday, and I'll finally be free to be who He created me to be, from the beginning. If your reading this and you have a loved one who is struggling with addiction or mental health issues, your not alone. I resonate with your pain and suffering, I understand what your going through. More importantly, God understands more than anyone on this earth. He hears your silent cries, and your despair, He knows how much you love them because He loves them too. Those wounds your carrying will be healed, and you will be able to smile again. Don't fret the outcome, we can't control anything. Only God is in control and He's promised us that He's working it all out for the good.
Blessings,
-Chelsey
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for being so good! Thank you for hearing the cries of my heart when I can't find the words to speak. Thank you for seeing what I can't see and for working everything out for the good. Father my heart is hurting today, and this wound is deep. All I can do is cry and look for comfort in you. I'm learning more and more that I am not in control, only you are and that all humans have free will to choose what path to follow. Today Father I want to lift my mom up in prayer and ask that you heal all the wounds she carries, and that you comfort her through it. Draw her back to Jesus Father, reconcile yourself back to her. Hear her broken-heart crying out to be set free, and deliver her from her mental health and addiction. Place your hand upon her Father and fill her with your unfailing love and mercy. Forgive her of her trespasses Father and set her free. I thank you Father in advance for hearing and answering my prayer. You are such a good, good Father and I praise you all the days of my life. In Jesus name I pray. Amen
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