In The Crushing

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

-James 1:2-4

Ever since I was a child, I have always loved Christmas. Everyone always seemed so happy and merry and you could always feel the love and joy in the air. The excitement about Christmas dinner and opening gifts was what every child looked forward to, well maybe not all, but I definitely did. As I have gotten older and now have children of my own, I look forward to seeing their faces come Christmas day and being together as a family. Sharing a meal, laughing, singing Christmas songs and celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It's the small things that matter to me now, the memories and the love shared just being together. Unity. Loving one another with the same love Jesus loves us with daily.

Before Christmas came this year I noticed I started feeling a little stressed and on edge. Some said it was, "the Christmas blues," or "just Holiday stress," but it didn't seem that way to me. I noticed a shift in my mind, heart and spirit. I was more agitated, easily annoyed, and just not okay. It started off with negative thoughts, than turned into cuss words when I'd get upset or annoyed, and eventually saying the Lord's name in vain. I also didn't have any desire to pray, read my Bible, or read anything that had to do with Jesus. I noticed myself being drawn to the things of this world and my old ways of thinking. Eventually, I allowed these things to take root and it brought me to start questioning my faith. These ferocious and over-bearing thoughts laid on me like a boulder. I started questioning everything I believed and every experience I ever had with God. It was almost like my mind was trying to brainwash me into believing something else that I knew in my heart wasn't true. The best way to explain how I was feeling is, I felt like a tug of war battle was going on inside of me. Like the good and the bad were battling it out. Almost as though I was this small child who kept getting mesmerized by worldly things, and started to wander off, but the Holy Spirit would snatch me back. It was a battle for the truth.

I am not going to lie and say that this didn't scare me. I was scared, nervous, worn down and beat up. I knew the truth, God's truth, and I know that if I ever walked away from Christ after knowing the truth, it would be ten times worse. And besides, I love Jesus loving me, and more than anything I desire a deep relationship with Him forever into eternity. So, although the lies sounded tempting and enticing, I knew I couldn't give in. This was what going on with me the whole week before Christmas and a few days after. The last few days of it I forced myself to pray, I confessed and sought God's forgiveness and asked Him to step in and help me because I was just too weak. I honestly thought I was about to lose this battle, really believing that I could fight it on my own, in my own strength. Wow, how wrong we can be sometimes, and how blinded we can become in the midst of battle. I knew I couldn't fight it in my own strength, I am weak without God, it is HE who has the victory, not me.

The second to last day before it all stopped, started with me waking up in the morning like I normally do. This time I felt like someone just laid a heavy ton of bricks on me and those doubtful thoughts started laying on me really heavy again. I hadn't even got the chance to get out of my bed yet and I was already having doubts about Jesus. I prayed the night before so I guess I was expecting everything to be all good to go the next morning. But the thoughts came on me as if they were the heaviest than, in that moment than they had been all week. But, all of a sudden a thought popped into my mind, "These are all lies! I know the truth!" than I said out loud. I felt the sudden pull to get up and turn on worship music, so I did. The first song I played was Believe for It By Cece Winans and I just let it play on from one song to the next from there. Than I decided to reach out to some Christian friends and we ended up having conversations about God. I noticed a change inside of me and outside of me. The whole atmosphere around me had lightened up and things didn't feel so dark as they did before. Ever since than I have felt God's peace with me. Just a stillness, a calm that has washed over me. Almost like I had just been given the biggest hug by God, I am so grateful for that.

Still, now as I write this I still feel His peace. I had spoken to someone the other day about my experience, and as I finished they pointed out that when I woke up that morning and had those thoughts of, "I know the truth, and this is all lies" while also feeling that pull to turn on worship music, that, that wasn't me at all. None of that came from me because my sinful nature is against God not for Him, therefore, that was the Holy Spirit. When my friend told me this, I was blown away, but also comforted in knowing and remembering that the Holy Spirit had my back. I also learned something too, that when we are experiencing something as what I did, God wants us to keep praying, keep surrendering, to keep confessing and believing that He already has the victory. I feel it's so easy for us, even as Christians to forget those things while we are going through stuff. So sometimes, we look to ourselves and to the world for help, and forgetting that our help is only one prayer away, I don't know if this experience was a test of my faith, or a spiritual attack, but it was heavy and it was strong. I am just grateful that God in His sweet love and mercy, drew me back to himself. He showed me again who was stronger. Thank you Father. If you are reading this and are going through something similar, learn from my experience, turn to God, over and over again, turn to God. And if you are feeling so weak that you can't seem to bring yourself to pray, turn on some worship music and worship God. For He is good, and has already declared the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for being exactly who you are. Holy, righteous, wonderful and good. Thank you for your faithfulness Father, thank you for your grace. Thank you for helping me to overcome the temptation and for fighting this battle for me. Thank you for reminding me to look up. Father I ask that you give your strength to the person reading this. That you exalt them to the highest heavens. Remind them who they are in you and that they are not fighting this battle alone. Be their refuge Father, their light in the darkness. Show them the way Father, hold their hand as they walk through the valley. Thank you Father for our experiences and for the testing of our faith. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Blessings,

-Chelsey