Navigating Grief With God

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

-Psalm 34:18

I have lost many, many people in my life. Not in the way that there was a possibility to ever get them back, no, by lost, I mean in death. The permanent, forever, stamped and sealed goodbye, that I never wanted to have to say. I always tell people that I’m not good with death, although I’ve experienced plenty of it, it just seems to be even more harder the next time around. The grief weighs heavier, and the sadness lingers longer and the knife cuts just a little bit deeper. Causing that already present wound to open just a tad bit wider. Adding another person that I loved, to the long list of “goodbyes I never wanted to give” is so incredibly hard. Because I know I’ll never see that person again. I’ll never hear their voice again or their laughter, I’ll never be able to hug them, or smell their smell. They completely disappear off the face of the earth as if they’ve never existed. That is a very hard and grueling reality to accept for anyone, not just me.

We get so used to having that person in our lives. They become a huge piece of our lives puzzle and complete it in some way. More importantly, they become a part of us. I try to avoid talking about my grief, because even now it’s still so hard to get off my chest. It feels like the knife just cuts deeper whenever I talk about it because it reminds me so much of who they were and how much they meant to me. Many people have told me that talking about it is good, which I agree, but it isn’t always an easy thing to do. Especially when the cut is still so fresh. Sometimes not talking about it and dealing with it internally is best for folks. Not everyone grieves the same and that’s okay.

Through all my losses I have always felt the wound open up more and more. I could feel it in my heart and in my soul as they cried out for comfort. I hated death. I hated everything about death and in my humanity I had always wished it never existed because of the grief it left behind. To me, death left destruction and brokenness. Suffering for the rest of our lives. I hated it. But although I had faced all that grief, nothing could’ve ever prepared me for the grief I experienced after my fiancé was murdered. That grief was the heaviest, darkest, life-changing grief I’ve ever experienced in my life. And it has stayed with me all these years later. Coming in unexpected waves, crashing at my feet trying to tear me down.

My heart was completely broken that day, my spirit was crushed beyond repair. And for a long, long time I desired a quick remedy to take it all away for good. But I never found it. I don’t believe there is a “certain” or “perfect” remedy to handle grief, I believe it stays with us all of our lives and that we can only take it a day at a time when it hits. I call my days “dark” days because that is how they feel, very dark and very sad. On those days I remember him so deeply. Every intimate detail as if I was living in those moments for the very first time. I hear his voice, his laugh, I see his smile and smell his smell. I remember the jokes he used to say, and how he looked so cute when he would be upset. Although those are wonderful and happy memories, they make my heart ache so bad because I know I’ll never experience those moments with him again in this life. Death is permanent. It is eternal. There is no redos, or take backs. I can never hit the refresh button and start over, I just have to continue to move forward.

As hard as it has been these past 5 years, God has carried me through these moments. He has been so close to my broken-heart and has comforted my crushed spirit. And he has lifted me up every time I fell in defeat. He has always been my only hope and comfort through the dark days, and I honestly couldn’t tell you where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for him. Grief is easier with God, and he has shown me that it is okay to grieve, it is okay to allow myself to feel all of these things, and that crying brings so much healing. I’ve cried many tears, but God cries with me, He picks up every tear and gives my broken-heart the biggest hug possible. And for that I am forever grateful. His compassion and love is what keeps me together, and all the glory belongs to Him.

My fiancé accepted Christ into his heart. God made sure of that. He died covered by the blood of Christ so I know he’s with Jesus. Although I may have a lifetime of grief to go, I have an eternal reunion to look forward too. And it’ll be the biggest, most greatest reunion of all time. Eternally. Forever. Praise God!

Blessings,

Chelsey

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for staying close to my broken-heart, and comforting my crushed spirit. Thank you so much for showing compassion and love to me on the dark days when I can’t see through my grief. Father you are wonderful and I couldn’t imagine going through this life and grief with anyone else. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Father I want to lift up whoever is reading this that is going through grief, and ask that you lean in close to their broken-heart and bring comfort to their crushed spirit. Wrap your loving arms around them Father and hold them as they weep. Wipe their heavy tears away and bring joy to their hearts Father. Father I know how much you love them and I pray that you show them that today. In your Word you say, “weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning!” Bless them with your joy Father, shower them with your grace. Reveal yourself to them, and give them your peace that surpasses all understanding. You are our good good Father, and you always want what’s best for us. Thank you Father for your unfailing love and faithfulness. We love you Father eternally, and we praise you all the days of our lives. In Jesus mighty name we pray. Amen