“For she thought to herself, "If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed."
-Mark 5:28
I have struggled with my mental health all my life. Starting from childhood I developed Anxiety disorder and than on to depression, PTSD and now Bipolar 2. These disorders stole my identity for many, many years. I couldn’t function properly in “normal” society, hold a job, do “normal” things and would ruin almost all relationships somehow. I’ve seen many therapist’s throughout my life, tried many medication and other therapy methods as well. They took the edge off sometimes, but the root causes still stayed there. Wounds left unhealed, throbbing, pulsating wounds that would pour out into my everyday life. It was and is exhausting. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally too.
Just recently I received the diagnoses of Bipolar 2. It was soul crushing and I felt defeated. But it made total and complete sense. I recognized certain, if not all of my behaviors resonated with that diagnoses down to a T. It was a loud revelation that something is seriously wrong and I need more help than I realize. After receiving the diagnoses I started to watch out for triggers and symptoms. Over time I started to notice whenever I was in a manic episode, and also when I’d go into a grueling episode of depression. It was as if I was on the outside watching and observing my everyday life under a microscope. Paying attention to every detail.
I’ve done a lot of research on Bipolar 2. I’ve also asked many questions and have received answers from professionals. There’s no “quick fix” for Bipolar 2. You will most likely, from a doctors point of view, have it for the rest of your life. Their is medicinal, and therapeutic ways to manage the symptoms. Consisting of mood disorder medication and talk therapy. Which you will most likely need to take all your life. The thought of that feels so defeating. It seems like there is no end in sight for the battle I face every single day. I don’t ever know if it’ll be a good day or bad day when I wake up. I don’t know if I’ll have a good week or bad week. It’s so unexpected. Hitting you like a baseball out of left field.
This morning I woke up crying. For no reason I was just crying. I realize that I have been in a manic episode just recently and my body and mind feel so exhausted. Maybe I’m just sad? I am not really sure. But today, that’s just how I feel. Sad. Defeated. Alone. And weak. I plan on finding a doctor who specializes in Bipolar 2, so that way I can be put on the right medication to help me manage the symptoms. I am truly afraid, I have never wanted to take medication, but as more time passes, I see my need for it more and more.
I turned to my Bible this morning. Seeking answers as to why I have this sickness. And I came across the verse I shared above. The woman was suffering all her life with an incurable disease. The doctors couldn’t help her, and everyone pushed her away until she was completely cut off from society. But she believed in her heart that if she could just touch the hem of Jesus garment she would be healed. She was so tired of suffering and hitting dead ends that she decided to take a leap of faith, dive through the crowd of people just to touch the hem of the garment of the only one that could heal her. Jesus. Miraculously, she was healed. And in return Jesus showed her so much compassion and love. Although she was considered “unclean” in society and hadn’t been touched by a human in a long time. He grabbed her hand. He wasn’t angry, He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t afraid of being “unclean.” He understood. As I read that I imagined myself, leaping through the crowds in desperation just to touch the hem of Jesus garment. Miraculously being healed from these burdens of mental health, while being met with a compassion and love that’s out of this world.
That is what I need. I need Jesus. I need His love, His mercy, His compassion. I need Him to grab my hand with the promise of never letting go. I need His comfort today. A warm hug from my Heavenly Father letting me know that “this too shall pass.” Pray for me today. Please. Because I can’t really pray for myself right now. My tears are flowing steady and it’s just one of those days. But He will get me through it just as He has all my life. And if this is the thorn in my flesh that I have to deal with, than I’m okay with that. As long as I know I am not in this alone. I have Jesus and I’ve always had Jesus and by the hem of His garment I will be healed whether it be in this life or the next.
If you or anyone you know has been or is suffering with mental health diagnoses. Pray for them. Or ask for prayer. Seek Jesus today. Ask Him to be your comfort, your friend. Ask Him to step inside your or your loved ones mess and to be your/their strength. And if you can’t pray, ask the Holy Spirit to pray on your behalf. We are not alone in our suffering. Jesus gets it more than we can imagine and He’s suffering with us. Find comfort in that today. “Suffering may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning!” -Psalm 30:5
Blessings,
-Chelsey
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for today. Thank you for this moment. Thank you for loving me through my mess and understanding me more than I understand myself. Thank you for suffering with me and showing your unfailing love and compassion towards me. Father I want to pray for whoever is reading this that is struggling with similar things, or for their loved ones struggling with similar things. I pray and ask that you step into their mess and be their strength today. Extend your helping hand and wrap your loving and nurturing arms around them Father. Help them to stand in the ferocious storm their stuck in. As the waves beat at their feet, hold them. Be their firm foundation. Bring comfort to their hearts and peace to their worried minds Father. Surround them with your people. Encourage them today. Thank you so much Father for your unfailing love and grace. You truly are good! And by the Hem of your garments we are healed. In Jesus mighty name we pray. Amen
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