For a long time I don't think I could ever really answer that truthfully. I don't think I ever really knew "who" I was. I kind of just became who I thought I needed to be, a survivor. My mind had become so distorted and all sense of my identity went out the window. I no longer did the things I loved to do, I lost all hope for my future, and when I looked in the mirror I don't think I ever really looked deeper than the surface. I blended in with the world, I became a product of my very own broken environment and I was comfortable there. Things seemed easier that way. It sounds like such an oxy moron but hear me out. When we get so used to one way of living and surviving anything outside of that seems scary. You tell yourself that your safer in this dark void you've been growing inside of, and even the thought of stepping outside of it is unheard of. That was me, for a very long time I was this broken, hopeless, human-being who breezed through life on auto-pilot never really knowing what the next day would bring. Let alone what my future would look like.
All my hopes and dreams kind of disappeared over time. My talent tank ran dry from lack of use, and I became a professional liar and manipulator. I would lie and manipulate whoever I could in order to survive with not one ounce of remorse. And if I am being honest it wasn't always to get what I needed, but more so, to fulfill my own selfish desires. I got to a point where I didn't care who I hurt. I was a con-man with a beautiful face, that I used to manipulate others with. I never seen anything wrong with it. A part of me would justify it in some weird way to where I felt no conviction about what I was doing. After all, I had to survive right? I need to do what I need to do to get what I want, right? I was rotten at my core, and I would blame all my wrong doings on different people. Never taking accountability for my actions, because that would mean I'd have to admit my flaws and my pride never allowed me to do that. And love? Love was an unknown feeling for me. Anytime love was involved I would become numb. I couldn't seem to have empathy for anyone let alone feel deeply for someone other than myself.
I wasn't always that way. When I was really little, I remember feeling content and happy. I was very independent and loved to learn. Some of my favorite hobbies were dressing up in funny clothes and making new dances to every Britney Spears song that came out. I also loved to write and hangout with friends. The weight from the experiences I had gone through weren't weighing on me yet. I was free to be who God created me to be. I just didn't know it than. It has taken me 30 years and lots of mistakes to get to this point. This point of being able to share those mistakes with you without fear of judgement or criticism. You may still very well judge me, but that is okay. I have been given so much grace for my mistakes and that's all that matters to me now. Or this may resonate with a part of you, that you too hide in fear of being judged or criticized. I understand you completely. I was there, I was right where you are at this very moment and I get it. The world can be a very unforgiving force to be reckoned with, and it will tear you down every chance it gets. Every mistake you've made will be in the lime light, every thought you share will be under a microscope and picked apart, the struggles you share will be ridiculed, and the tears you shed will be mocked. Shoot, I got thrown around a boxing ring while being gossiped about and slandered in every corner I was tossed into. I was exposed, fragile, and vulnerable and the world showed no mercy on me. You may have to face that, you may have to experience the aftermath of sharing your story honestly and openly to a world who will never understand you, but that is okay.
God knows you. He knows your flaws and mistakes and the inner most thoughts you carry so deep within your mind. He knew what decisions you were going to make before you made them. He seen your brokenness before it even came, but He still loves you. He still loves you. And that right there is enough. It took me 30 years to be able to have the courage to tell the world my story. It also has taken me this long to begin learning who I really am. The hardest part about learning who I truly am has been unlearning who I really am not. I have come to the conclusion that, as humans we have the capability to create a fake image of who we perceive ourselves to be. Almost like a video game, where you can customize the character to look, dress, and act how we want them to be. Eventually we become so lost in who we created ourselves to be and lose sight of who the creator(God) intended us to be from the beginning. His Masterpiece, work of art, handiwork.
Ephesians 2:10
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
God has intricately woven us in our mothers womb. Psalms 139:13-16 says,
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." If we look up the definition of the word intricately, it says this: in a very complicated or detailed manner. Which means God really thought about every single detail, small and grand before he even created you. I have been studying Christian Apologetics and something I learned the other day is that our DNA is so complex and perfectly made, scientist can't refute that their isn't a creator. Meaning they cannot disprove that God is in fact real and responsible for every created thing, including intelligently crafting together His masterpiece, you. He put a lot of thought into creating you to be who He intended you to be. But because of the fall of humanity when sin entered into the world, who we were meant to be has been distorted. Warped into a big ball of confusion and chaos. Leaving us feeling lost and purposeless. Wandering around with no hope, stuck on the past not being able to move forward. That is reality, and we all experience it at some point in our lives whether we realize it or not. Purposelessness leaves no room for hope, and in turn we remain stuck in our brokenness gliding through life on auto-pilot.
The good news though, is although we go through those moments of feeling stuck, and not knowing who we truly are, hope is always just one prayer away. Once we realize how we are living or have always lived, we began to see how empty and unfulfilling it is and we take that courageous step forward to seek the hope that's always been so graciously close. Thoughts of feeling "unworthy" or "too broken" may come, they may cause you to doubt or even make you feel silly. But that is okay, just don't allow them to stop you from reaching for that hope. There is so much freedom in Christ Jesus, He died to set you free from the snares of sin that has kept you prisoner all your life. "So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law."- Galatians 5:1. Reach for that hope and walk in the freedom that has been given to you. Allow Jesus to set you free from the prison you have felt so comfortable in. And allow Him to show you who you are, the person He created you to be from the beginning of time. Our identity isn't who the world says we are, our identity is in Christ alone, not our mistakes. Reach and grab for His hand, His hope, because He's been waiting for you. And I promise it'll be the best decision you've ever made in your life.
Blessings,
Chelsey
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for allowing me to share my experience with the person reading this. I thank you for all the beautiful lessons you have taught me thus far, and I am excited to see what's next. Father I want to pray and lift the person reading this up in prayer and ask that you prepare their hearts and draw them to you dear sweet Son Jesus. That you comfort them in their time of need and show them their identity is not of this world but in Jesus alone. Father I ask that you give them the courage to reach for your hope in prayer and that you reveal yourself to them. Thank you Father for hearing my prayer. And thank you so much for your love, mercy, grace and forgiveness. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Galatians 3:27-28
27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
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